bill magnuson and his leaf blower must die

by strugelje

a friend told me
there is a huge cash reward
for proof
aliens are here
among us
visiting our earth

i have such proof

in fact
aliens told me directly
(telepathically of course)
that the next time
my neighbor
magnuson
bill magnuson
turns on his leaf blower
pointlessly
on a perfectly sunny day
and ruins my solitude
destroys my peace of mind
my precious quiet
my me time
shocking the hell out of me
with a 30 minutes long blast
of extremely loud
and annoying
gasoline smelling
hyper noise
while i am trying to read
or write
or take a nap
or watch tv
(important things!)
these very same aliens
told me
next time bill magnuson
fires up that leaf blower
inappropriately
at the wrong time
they will prove their presence
among us
by vaporizing
bill magnuson
and restoring the peace

the aliens also told me
that our human understanding
of the concept of vaporizing
isn’t correct
isn’t the same
as the aliens understand vaporizing
they said that bill magnuson
wouldn’t entirely disappear
into a puff of steam
or smoke
when vaporized
but would just fall down
suddenly
with one small hole
on one side of his
incredibly annoying
silence destroying
leaf blowing
cabeza
and
another
much larger hole
opposite
the small hole
on the other side of his head
sort of resembling
an exit wound
like a bullet might make
the aliens told me
their vaporizer gun wounds resembled
almost exactly
in every detail
a wound
made by a thirty-aught six round
fired slightly downward
say at an angle
that might match a second story window
in a neighbor’s house

i tried to talk the aliens out of it
(telepathically of course)
i argued on behalf of bill magnuson
pointed out the better angels of his nature
even said that he might be a decent fellow
when he’s not leaf blowing
but
just as i was convincing the aliens
to leave him alone
bill magnuson fired up his leaf blower
again
right exactly then
on an otherwise perfect tuesday afternoon
and he proceeded to blow gasoline fumes
and noise
a lot of really annoying noise
around his already immaculate lawn
for like forty five minutes
and
that was pretty much when
bill magnuson and his leaf blower
signed his death warrant

you know aliens
they just love their peace and quiet
they insist on having it

so i’m sure they will prove
their presence among us
by these means
one day
very soon

when they can’t take the noise
any more
and
ironically
exactly in that same moment
when i myself
have finally had enough
leaf blower noise
too

thankfully
i do not own a thirty-aught
so there should be no confusion
as to who is vaporizing whom
here
hate to give anyone
the wrong impression

but damn!
if i don’t understand the aliens’ sentiments
and don’t i feel like going gun shopping too
in the very near future
maybe when spring arrives
and there are no leaves falling
not one leaf is falling off one tree
anywhere
and my idiot neighbor
bill magnuson
fires up his leaf blower
for hours on end
as if he has a fucking
landscaping contract
and a hard deadline on the work too
when in reality
it’s just his own goddamn shitty yard

~~~~

About The Author

strugelje is an author, poet, film maker, actor, and soccer coach currently residing in a suburb of Atlanta, Georgia. He once played Stanley Kowalski in “A Streetcar Named Desire” in college theater, which fact he finds hilarious to this day. He is currently building a small farm, mostly for kicks.

You can find him at strugelje.com.

Fast-Paced Author Interview (At High Speeds! Risking Dire Consequences!)

The Squid: In a Russian accent, please explain why I can’t have another glass of milk.

strugelje: Chernobyl. Milk baaat.

The Squid: What’s your favorite city?

strugelje: Chicago. Chicago rules. although the Winters can chap your… entirety.

About The Artist

Our very own D Chang is a game writer and web designer from Austin, Texas. His short fiction has appeared in the Cryptopolis science fiction anthology.