by Ivan Richardson

E-mail: 15/5/2023
From: J Anderson
To: Dr K Edwards
Subject: PlayStation
Kevin
I’ve had some concerning reports regarding project 32Y. Last inspection report noted the specimens in batch 14 were using an old PlayStation with a CRT television set. It was noted the specimens were playing Resident Evil. This activity was not scheduled in the project, nor was this ‘entertainment’ in the budget.
As you can imagine I’m a little concerned. The board invested heavily in this project.

From: Dr K Edwards
Studies have shown video games can have a positive effect on cognitive development. Particularly those that involve high levels of problem solving. Given that we are looking for signs of increased intelligence, the team saw this as a good way to test the effectiveness of the treatment.
The ‘equipment’ is over twenty years old. The cost is insignificant to that of the project.

From: J Anderson
‘Resident Evil’? That feels a bit of a sick joke all things considered. Seriously Kevin, I thought you knew better than this.

From: Dr K Edwards
We’re not making zombies, Jack.
The puzzle-solving nature of the game is perfect for generating dopamine, the neurotransmitter generated when we feel pleasure. We believe increased dopamine levels can boost the treatment.

From: J Anderson
I know what dopamine is.
For Christ’s sake, Kevin, they’re monkeys. Can’t you just get them a new rope swing?
I don’t think you fully appreciate the optics here. We’ve spent millions on the project. Do you have any idea how “monkeys playing Resident Evil” looks on the monthly inspection report?
A screw up like this could land us in serious trouble. And by “us” I mean “me”.

From: Dr K Edwards
The PlayStation is helping us get results. 

From: J Anderson
I don’t care. It has to go. In future I’d appreciate any other changes to the program to be cleared with myself first.

###

E-mail: 21/5/2023
From: J Anderson
To: Dr K Edwards
Subject: What did I tell you?
Kevin
Did I imagine the conversation we had last week? The one where I told you to get rid of the PlayStation and you assured me this would never happen again? That was a real conversation, wasn’t it? Because I’ve just been informed the subjects in cage 14 now have a PS4, HD television and their own sofa to play on. Apparently they’re playing FIFA now.
I need an explanation! 

From: Dr K Edwards
After we took their entertainment away we saw an immediate decline in treatment uptake. There were also violent outbursts. I therefore took the executive decision to return the equipment, with some upgrades.
The good news is that it worked immediately. We are now seeing record uptake of the treatment.

From: J Anderson
I explicitly stated any changes to the program were to be cleared by me.
I first heard about this from a member of the board when they phoned me, directly, to ask if there had been an official change to the program. At first, I thought they were joking, which made me look even more stupid when I realised they were serious.

From: Dr K Edwards
Jack, I understand why you are angry.
I was planning to tell you. I have a full report all ready to send you showing the latest results. It’s waiting in my outbox as we speak.

From: J Anderson
Do you understand, Kevin? Do you really understand how you made me look like a dick in front of the board?

From: Dr K Edwards
I’m sorry. I should have checked with you first, but we were getting leaps in cognitive ability far beyond what we predicted. Extrapolating the results indicates the project could achieve end success a full cycle earlier than expected.

From: J Anderson
That is not the point. You went against my orders.
Tell me, has the control group been given any ‘additional entertainment?’ Have we at least followed some level of scientific protocol?

From: Dr K Edwards
Actually, yes. We gave the old PlayStation to Cage 12 to assess if recreational gameplay can have the same impact on cognitive development without the rest of the treatment.

From: J Anderson
And what were the results on the control group?

From: Dr K Edwards
They smashed it to pieces. Then defecated on it.

From: J Anderson
Take it ALL away. No more electronic entertainment. Period.

###

E-mail: 26/5/2023
From: J Anderson
To: Dr K Edwards
Subject: Are you trying to get fired?
A PlayStation 5, Nintendo Switch, 42-inch UHD television, reclinable chairs, and now they get to have Chinese takeout!

From: Dr K Edwards
Technically it was Korean takeout.

From: J Anderson
Explain now!

From: Dr K Edwards
We can’t get rid of their stuff.

From: J Anderson
Why not?

From: Dr K Edwards
Because we don’t know where it came from.

From: J Anderson
You’d better make this explanation phenomenal.

From: Dr K Edwards
Two weeks ago, Rachael found the monkeys playing with the PlayStation. Originally we thought it was someone playing a joke, but according to the log that cage was never opened.
We took it away, as per your instruction. Two days later, Tom walked in to find the PS4 and sofa. We don’t even know how they got the sofa through the cage door. We had to cut it in half to get it out.

From: J Anderson
Don’t you have cameras in the lab.

From: Dr K Edwards
The cameras keep breaking. We don’t know why.
Look at the positive. We wanted to see how far we could boost their intelligence. Apparently, they can source electrical goods without income. I’m sure the board will see the positive in this.

From: J Anderson
The positive is that when they fire both of us, I won’t have to put up with your shit anymore.

From: Dr K Edwards
Please. Just let us see how this goes? It’s barely costing us anything and we’re getting incredible results.

From: J Anderson
You are going to explain all of this to the board personally. If they let you keep your job, then maybe we can see where this goes. In the meantime, those monkeys are not to get any more equipment.
Understood?

From: Dr K Edwards
Should we confiscate their smartphones?

From: J Anderson
They have phones as well?

From: Dr K Edwards
So far we’ve confiscated two, but we’re confident they’ve hidden at least one other in the cage which they are using to order the takeaways.

From: J Anderson
How are they even paying for this?

From: Dr K Edwards
We’ve been investigating but so far we’ve had limited success in isolating the precise revenue stream being applied.
All we know is that a takeaway turns up 7pm every day addressed to the “The Boys in Cage 14”. We tried asking how it was paid for but data protection and all that.
All we know for certain is those monkeys really like Korean spice.  

From: J Anderson
Just get it under control or you, me and the monkeys will all be for the chop.

From: Dr K Edwards
What does that mean?

From: J Anderson
What do you think it means?

###

E-mail: 7/6/2023
From: J Anderson
To: Dr K Edwards
Subject: Twitter
Who are Tod LightSpeed, Jason Z and Sam Brian Williamson?

From: Dr K Edwards
I have absolutely no idea.

From: J Anderson
Really?
Because they’re regularly posting pictures from inside your lab under the social media handle ‘Rats running the maze’. They also post reviews of what you and your colleagues are wearing each day. They currently have 200,000 subscribers.

From: Dr K Edwards
Understanding social interaction among large groups is a key part of intelligence. It also releases oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins. Assessing how the subjects are able to navigate within social media is a key indicator of their cognitive development.
There’s a report currently on its way to you. 

From: J Anderson
You don’t know how they’re doing it, do you?

From: Dr K Edwards
They keep posting really mean stuff about my shoes. I’m now getting teased about it from the guys in Lab C.

###

E-mail: 12/6/2023
From: Dr K Edwards
To: J Anderson
Subject: Score for the homo sapiens
Jack you are going to be pleased with us.
We figured out how they got all the stuff. Some of the cleaners betting on football. Turns out our monkeys are very good at predicting the winners and have been selling their services.
We have no idea how long this has been going on.

From: J Anderson
Excellent. Fire all the cleaning staff and clear out that cage of all electronics.

From: Dr K Edwards
Are you sure that’s a good idea?

From: J Anderson
Edwards, who is the lab supervisor?

From: Dr K Edwards
I am, sir.

From: J Anderson
And who is running the experiment?

From: Dr K Edwards
Me again.

From: J Anderson
So who is in charge?

From: Dr K Edwards
I’m the one in charge, sir.

From: J Anderson
Get it done. And find cleaners who don’t like sports or gambling.

From: Dr K Edwards
Yes sir.
I do still have some concerns about how the monkeys will take this. I’ve been buying new shoes every day since they started posting those videos. My wife is not impressed. What happens if they get mad and start posting about the rest of my clothes? We have a mortgage. I can’t afford this.

From: J Anderson
Kevin, if you take away all their stuff, they won’t be able to post any more videos. Now get it done.

###

E-mail: 13/6/2023
From: Dr K Edwards
To: J Anderson
Subject: Own goal
It didn’t work.

From: J Anderson
What didn’t work?

From: Dr K Edwards
The monkeys got their stuff back. And they’re doing videos again.

From: J Anderson
Did you change the cleaning staff?

From: Dr K Edwards
Yes. And we told the new guys not to go anywhere near cage 14.
But everything was back this morning. The PlayStation 5, the reclining sofa and the surround sound speakers

From: J Anderson
How is that possible?

From: Dr K Edwards
I don’t know. But now I have to get new shirts. My wife is going to go crazy. We’re supposed to be saving for a holiday.

From: J Anderson
Grow a backbone, Kevin.

From: Dr K Edwards
It gets worse. They released the monkeys from Cage 12 into the office. They smashed all the computers and pooped on the photocopier.

From: J Anderson
Get control back, Kevin.

###

 E-mail: 14/6/2023
From: J Anderson
To: Dr K Edwards
Subject: The Grownups are coming in
I’ve just been informed that the board are sending in a special unit to take control of the situation. They will be managing cage 14 from here on. The Board has granted them full access to all report and surveillance footage.

From: Dr K Edwards
What do you mean by special?

From: J Anderson
Big guys. Big suits. No nonsense. They have orders to strip out all electrical equipment from the cages and put them under 24-hour surveillance.

From: Dr K Edwards
The monkeys are not going to like this.

From: J Anderson
That’s the point, Kevin. As far as the board is concerned, those monkeys have had enough carrots. Now the boys in Cage 14 are getting the stick.

From: Dr K Edwards
But we tried that. It didn’t work.

From: J Anderson
Trust me, these guys are different.  If the monkeys don’t behave, then they’re not getting any food. That includes their Korean takeaway. No more kimchi.
I’m sure some strict discipline will make them behave. Then we can get the project back on track with no more distractions.

From: Dr K Edwards
I don’t like this.

From: J Anderson
You don’t have a choice. The board has spoken.
They’ll be arriving in two hours. Please greet them as if your career is on the line, and mine.

###

E-mail: 15/6/2023 
From: J Anderson
To: Dr K Edwards
Subject: Give them the stuff back
You can let the monkeys keep their stuff. The special team is being withdrawn as of one hour ago. All additional surveillance will be removed.

From: Dr K Edwards
What happened?

From: J Anderson
I’ve been told the board reviewed your results and saw the value in letting the project run as it has it been the last few months.

From: Dr K Edwards
That’s great. I’m so happy the board finally saw the value in my work. I knew my report would convince them.

From: J Anderson
Yes.
I’ve been told the decision was entirely due to the results you reported and nothing to do with David Thompson (Chairman of the Board) receiving an email at 2am last night containing pictures of him and a 22-year-old girl (not his wife) at an expensive resort in Crete. Both wearing tiny swimming costumes I can never unsee, and the worst tan lines ever.

From: Dr K Edwards
Where did the email come from?

From: J Anderson
Where do you think, idiot?

From: Dr K Edwards
So…. it wasn’t my brilliant research?

From: J Anderson
Oh, for god’s sake, Kevin. Get over it.
We’re both still employed. That’s as close to a win as either of us are getting.

From: Dr K Edwards
At least the monkeys are happy again.

From: J Anderson
For now.

From: Dr K Edwards
What do you mean?

From: J Anderson
I’m having the subjects terminated. I agree that the project has been a success. We will be continuing your research. But Tod LightSpeed, Jason Z and Sam Brian Williamson have shown themselves as too much of a liability.

From: Dr K Edwards
You can’t do this. They’ve proven their worth.

From: J Anderson
Kevin, they threatened the chairman! I’m not taking any more chances.
Once they are gone, we can start afresh. Start the treatment will a new batch. This time with proper safeguards in place to make sure the subjects don’t get out of control.

From: Dr K Edwards
I won’t let you do this.

From: J Anderson
It’s not your call. That special unit installed gas capsules under the cage. I made sure those weren’t removed. This will all be dealt with quick and easy.

From: Dr K Edwards
If you do this then I’m leaving the project. I will not let you use my research in this way. I’ll take it all with me.

From: J Anderson
Your research is the intellectual property of the board, and your formulas are well-documented in your helpful reports.
Security will be down in 10 minutes to help clear your desk.

###

E-mail: 16/6/2023 
From: D Thompson
To: J Anderson
Subject: Expenses anomaly.
Jack,
I’ve just had a call from Inland Revenue. Apparently someone forwarded them April’s budget report and now they are asking to look at the Lab B expenses account.
I trust there’s nothing in there to be concerned about?

From: J Anderson
No sir, there is absolutely nothing of concern at all. I will personally do a check myself, just to make sure there are no more glitches in the software like the ones we experienced in April.

From: D Thompson
What ‘glitches’? Any such issues or irregularities should have been reported directly to us immediately.

From: J Anderson
I sent you a report in April detailing some minor irregularities and how they were all 100% down to a glitch in the software, no follow up required.

From: D Thompson
You must have made a mistake. I’m sure that if you check again you will find that no such report was ever sent by yourself or any other personnel.
I think it’s clear the board were entirely unaware of any such issues. I’m sure your search will confirm this.
Need you to submit the full financial report for Lab B, of which you and only you have responsibility for, to our friends at Inland Revenue.

From: J Anderson
I see.

###

E-mail: 19/6/2023 
From: Temp MD Account
To: Dr K Edwards
Subject: Changes
As the new department head, I want to inform you we are going to make some big changes to Lab B, as well as the other facilities. You’ve done some great work, but we need to turn these results into a profit. That means taking the project in a new direction.
There will be no Special Units or gas canisters involved this time. They were too easy to neutralise anyway. Security will now be handled by Group 12.
Attached is our 5-point plan for how we can take this research to market. We’ve already identified multiple product lines where we can apply this technology. The board has already approved the new strategy.
There will be a place for you in the new structure, provided you show you’re willing to follow instructions.
I want to thank my predecessor, even though his precarious financial dealings have led to some reputational damage for the company. We may not have shared the same vision, but his hard work brought us to the fortuitous position we are now in. It was a shame he had to depart under such awkward circumstances, but I understand the police are dealing with the matter now.
By the way, I approve of the new shoes you’ve been wearing in the lab recently. Although I’m not sure about the recent turtleneck. It makes you look very pretentious. I’m sure something new wouldn’t be too much trouble.

Yours Sincerely

Tod LightSpeed

* * *

About the Creator

Growing up with TV shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, X-Files, and Star Trek, Ivan Richardson developed a love of dark fantasy and science fiction. In particular he enjoys well-thought-out fantasy/sci-fi concepts with strong character-led stories. He’s been published in Sanitarium, Rock and a Hard Place, and the anthologies Bark and Bone, A Hero of a Different Strip, Severed Souls, Cosmic Convocation, and Sheer. He lives in Leicester City, UK, which is famous for finding Richard the 3rd buried under a car park. You can find him at https://bsky.app/profile/amonsteronthehill.bsky.social .

About the Artist

Illustrations sourced from Pixabay artists a_m_o_u_t_o_n, PublicDomainPictures, and Tylijura. Composited by editor D.R.R. Chang, a designer and game writer from Austin, Texas. His short fiction has appeared in Avast, Ye Airships! and the Cryptopolis science fiction anthology, and he cowrote a free retro JRPG some people raved about.