Dear Aunty Stanky,
I have discovered that the scoby in my kombucha has become sentient. If it is all quiet in the kitchen, I can hear the scoby asking me to feed it, to move it to the sunlight, or to play prog rock in a nearby speaker with the volume set to 12. However, recently the scoby has become protective of the kombucha, and gets mad if I try to drink any. Should I stop drinking it? Or ignore the scoby, as I do enjoy my kombucha?
— Microbe Manciple
The microbes have gone to your brain. Do you really think you should keep drinking the juice of this sentient ball of yeast and bacteria? It’s either making you hallucinate, or it has the capacity to engulf us all in slime. You’ve managed to create a bespoke biohazard either way. Your dear Aunty Stanky has a duty to tell you to destroy it (preferably with fire) and never attempt any kind of fermentations again, for the good of humanity. No, not even sauerkraut.
Don’t invite me to your potluck,
Aunty Stanky (but not that stanky)