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Dream Vacation in Sagittarius

funny-space-story | Flying Monster Truck firing lasers above pool

            Witches rub me in the Magic Pool. My muscles fight each other—some yearn for the touch and some recoil. A witch about my age, thirty-one, rushes her hands back and forth over my chest and back. A stout-bearded warlock kneads my shoulders. A crone does something like reiki over my forehead.

            The witches have lived at this hallowed mountain grotto since the 1950s, the days of Aldous Huxley and Robert Graves. Now I have come to this place from between worlds, to put myself back together and decide what to do with the rest of my life.

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Hard Edits


When insufferable quisling Allie Kingston, 27 Earth years, of Spring, Texas, learned she was expecting a child with Despot Governor Hlotll Uedaaly, approx. 400 Earth years, of the Spica solar system, she finally admitted some misgivings.

"I mean, who knew that was possible? But the Spican doctors said these pregnancies usually work out, and so far, so good. Looks like I won the genetic jackpot!"

"To them, Hlotll was just the overlord of Earth," Ms. Kingston said, from her parent's new spacious home built on the ruins of Magnolia. "Luckily they came around pretty quickly, especially after they met Hlotll and saw that being friends with a Spican allowed them some benefits. Now Mom's super excited to be a grandma."

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What Crisis?


This thing came from Russia, like Tetris, vodka and cynical humour. They say you hit the singularity when you’re on it: full interface between man and machine.

It’s a drug, right? And what a drug, what a drug. Here's what you do. Lock the front door, then pop the pill. You’ll need a headset with biometric sensors on your temples and forehead. Get one from a military hardware site. Or get it from your uncle – I really don’t care. Once you drop, you got five minutes 'til you come up. While you’re waiting, hit the DarkNet. OnionWare is what you want. Then search for “Goznym: Leyla” and download.

By the time you’ve installed, you should be coming up. Feel every atom in your mind splitting.

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Missed Connections


            From: Lothario @AlienAdventureman (Daldinian non-binary)
            Seeking: Alizarin female
            You – Female humanoid from the Alizarin Sector. You sat two tables over at the Prime Café. You were wearing a red dress. I’ve dreamed about that dress for two days 🙂
            Your third eye was so sexy; you were giving me naughty looks all during lunch. I can make your dreams come true. Is it true what they say: danger is an Alizarin’s aphrodisiac??????
            Want an adventure? I’ll be in Red’s Bar tonight, 7:00. Be there. My real name doesn’t translate, but you can call me Lothario.

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Suggested Destination: Paws 4 Luv


    The sickeningly quaint glass walls did nothing to help his claustrophobia. Neither did the unfamiliar stars beyond. Day would come around in a few minutes, but Nozario doubted that would help either.

     The eager crowd swarmed around him like fleas. They wedged Nozario in between the teleportation station and the welcome counter, behind which were five desks where adoption agents helped guests pick out a new feline family member. 

     Nozario checked his watch. Neuterings probably happened every day, so he was running out of time to save Calvin’s balls.

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