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We Are the Ululating Tzatziki


“Take us to your proctologist,” said the largest dollop.

This utterance represented the evolutionary summit of the Ululating Tzatziki. From this point onwards it was all rapidly downhill.

“Wot?” said the Earthman, who took his cigarette out of his mouth and looked about the dark train platform.

“Take us to your proctologist,” came the voice again after a pause. “We are the Tzatziki. We ululate.” It sounded like speaking was difficult.

The Earthman looked on, entirely unable to grasp the momentous event that was taking place before his eyes.

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“In those days,” said Grandpapa from his recliner, “space was not yet a vacuum, and hellfire had a name unmathematical.”

The older kids playing poker at the table rolled their eyes. The little ones on the floor kept setting up Mousetrap.

“But Grandpapa,” Ivy looked up from the instructions. “Space was always a vacuum.”

“Now you’ve done it,” groaned Rory and threw his cards down.

“We couldn’t quite escape, you see,” said Grandpapa, “we had not yet tamed the demons. Not entirely.”

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Important Information about Alien Tumors

Not all brain tumors are alike. Some are self-aware alien entities you bring back unwittingly from your research dive in the Falkland Islands. They begin as tiny organisms which slime their way through your ear canal and settle into your brain like fat royals at a luxurious five-star resort. They gorge on electricity, blood protein and brain fat, growing rapidly in the fractal folds of your cerebrum like those wacky toys from China that expand in water, only more insidious, as these tumors are self-aware and what you are experiencing is in fact an alien takeover.

Of course, you won't know this at first.

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The Last Goodnight


by Chris Swindell

The sun, small and white and nearly dead, is a pinprick in the sky. If it were alone, even at noon it would look like nothing more than a fat star. But, oh, it’s not alone. The firmament behind the guttering white dwarf is a riot of luminous colors, reds and pinks, electric blues and neon greens. It’s a small child’s painting, all reckless smears and wild swirls, lit up and hung across the heavens.

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Eyeball Chewer

by Aaron Garrison

Care instructions for Eyeball Chewer:

1. Keep a steady supply of fake eyeballs for him to chew. Remember: he does not discriminate between fake and real.

2. He may suckle his own eyeballs from time to time, and this his fine. Despite the discharge, they are very strong, and his eye stalks, stronger.

3. Do not anger Eyeball Chewer. His teeth are as sharp as they appear, and there's another row behind those.

4. Don't freak out if his penises go erect. He will not mount you, usually.

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